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Greedy Hooker: A prostitute explains voting Columns Featured 

Greedy Hooker: A prostitute explains voting

(GREED) – Of course, I love politicians. Professionally, they’re cousins. Maybe even siblings. If we were honest with ourselves, what does the profession really do?

I smile at you. I listen to your problems. I empathize with you and tell you I can make you feel better. While I’m listening, we both know I’m not swallowing what you have. I convince you to carry me to my office so I can make you feel better. To convince you, I tell you what you want to hear. Anything you want to hear. In the build up, I make you feel important and valuable, I let you know you’re pushing all the right buttons. I need you in my corner. Once you’re in, I fuck you six ways from Sunday, take your money, and send you on your way. Your problem isn’t solved, but I have your money and you felt better for a moment. You know you were played, but in a short amount of time, you’ll come back and we do it all again.

That description applies to both jobs.

During the campaign, the prostitutes bound for office smile, wink, and strut their stuff better than any streetwalker I know. Not just do they get you to believe they care, they convince you to pimp for them. It’s amazing. I wish my customers put out yard signs. “Jane: Make sex great again,” or “Jane: I’ve been with her.” My favorite would have to be “hoes and change you can believe in.”

The voting process is great. “You’re pushing the right buttons baby, vote that party line. Oh, yeah. Vote it hard! This is the greatest election I’ve ever had. Oh yeah give it to me again!” Your vote matters as much to the system as foreplay does to me. With or without it, I’m still going to fuck you if I’m paid to.

Once I’ve done my business, you’re left cleaning up the mess.

When you voice your support for a candidate, all I see is another deluded guy who thinks I love him. “She really cares about me!”

So tell me America, does your greedy hooker in DC care about you?

Have a question for the Greedy Hooker? You can reach her, here.

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